


Risking It

by MiraculousBookworm02



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Brain tumor, Cancer, Danhowell/phillester - Freeform, Fluff, Friendship, Supportive Relationships, friends - Freeform, sick!Dan, supportive!phil, treatment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 18:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12918015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiraculousBookworm02/pseuds/MiraculousBookworm02
Summary: He'd been hiding this from him for ages; months now, possibly even a year. And he wasn't sure how much longer he could hide it. Because with every day that passed, he was sure it was becoming more noticeable. More prominent through his actions, and his behaviour in general.He was scared to say the least.





	Risking It

Dan's hand rested gently on the doorknob, unable to push it open nor lift it from its place. It was frozen there, just like his thoughts. His thoughts were frozen in time.

Finally tell Phil, or not?

He'd been hiding this from him for ages; months now, possibly even a year. And he wasn't sure how much longer he could hide it. Because with every day that passed, he was sure it was becoming more noticeable. More prominent through his actions, and his behaviour in general.

He was scared to say the least.

Dan hung his head low as he considered his options; to open the door, or to keep it closed. Both options had their downfalls, which was why he was unsure of what to do.

What would happen if he didn't open the door? He knew Phil was awake, so if he didn't open it, he would have time to process his thoughts and formulate the proper sentences in order to tell Phil such an important thing in his life. But with yet another recent discovery about himself occurring earlier that day, he wasn't sure if this was the way to go about it. After all, his... problem could possibly return to its previous state that hadn't interfered with his daily life.

But Dan, however, felt that that wasn't the case. If he continued to hide this from Phil, he knew what would eventually happen. He'd savour every moment with Phil. He'd visibly show how much Phil meant to him, and how much he appreciated him for everything that he'd done. And he couldn't allow that to happen.

Phil would definitely notice, and their whole demeanour would be flipped upside down at the waking of these actions.

So what would happen if he did open the door? Would he be able to tell him? Or would he ramble about something else in order to distract himself from what had to be said?

He knew what he would do if he opened the door, though. He would tell Phil everything, because that was why he'd entered Phil's room at that time in the first place. He wouldn't enter with the intention of telling him only to avoid the subject altogether.

Open or close. Those were his options.

He felt like he was playing tug-o-war with himself. Part of him felt one way, while the other protested a reason against it. The experience was slowly consuming his priorities, and he could feel his focus constantly shifting from one matter to another; desperately trying to evade the decision he would have to make.

Open or close. He didn't know.

He knew nothing, but at the same time he knew everything. He had the option to tell Phil everything, but he hadn’t taken it yet. And he wanted to; which just made the whole matter even more confusing.

Dan screwed his eyes shut and took in a calming breath. He had to choose. He couldn't just stand there at Phil's door, with his hand frozen on the doorknob and his thoughts frozen in time forever. He had to choose.

Tell Phil, or not. He knew now.

He'd tell him. Not now, but once he was ready to. Once he'd accepted it, and had moved past the shock of his own self-discovery, he would tell Phil.

Phil deserved to know.

Dan knew he was risking it; risking everything they stood for by not telling Phil immediately. He himself wasn't sure how much longer he could hide this, as he was sure it would become more and more obvious as time went by, but he had faith that he would have found the right way to tell Phil by then.

These plans, however, were shattered into a million pieces when the door flew open and collided with Dan's still figure.

"JESUS FUCK!"

Phil flinched at the volume of the curse but quickly pulled the door back as Dan stumbled back from the doorway; his hand holding his left foot up in the air as he tried to calm the pain emitting from his leg.

"Oh my God Dan! Are you alright?"

Phil was immediately at his side, looking at him with such concern that it worried Dan how he would genuinely react when he did eventually tell him what was going on in his personal life. Because he would. Just not right that second.

"Yep! I'm fucking great, Phil. I'm going to have to amputate my foot, but other than that I'm doing just fine!"

Phil knew he was being incredibly sarcastic, so he wasn't at all offended by Dan's cruel words. He'd gotten used to the language Dan spoke; it wasn't really up his street, but he understood that it was a part of his personality and it was a part of him that he wouldn't change for the world. It was what made him, Dan.

But he was still worried about his friend's condition, despite the smart remark.

"Seriously, are you alright? I really shouldn't have opened the door that quickly."

"Phil, I'm fine now," Dan answered as he lowered his leg onto the floor, his foot no longer in agony. "It was my own fault anyway."

Phil appeared to be puzzled for a moment before something clicked within his thoughts. "Yeah, what were you doing behind my door anyway?"

Dan didn't know how to answer this. He could tell the truth, and finally let Phil know what he'd been hiding for months, but this wasn't the time and place. He had already decided that he would tell Phil when he was ready; not now, definitely not now.

Not when he was still coming to terms with what it all meant for them.

"I was just walking past."

Dan knew he wasn't nearly as convincing as he thought he'd been when he saw the expression on Phil's face. He seemed so disappointed in Dan; as if he'd failed him somehow.

"You were standing in front of the door, facing me, when I opened it."

Dan had somehow managed to dig himself into a deeper hole; one that was now seeming even more difficult to climb out of than before. If Phil hadn't been suspicious of him beforehand, he was surely chasing his lies by now due to the horrible excuse he'd just given. And what was worse, was that he knew Phil wouldn't let him leave until he figured out what was really going on.

"Dan, why were you lurking outside of my bedroom?"

The word 'lurking' left a bad aftertaste in Dan's mouth. He hadn't intended on his actions being interpreted like that, but the more he thought about it, the more accepting he was of the word and how it fit his movements perfectly.

"Okay, yeah, I was being a bit creepy, but I-I..."

He was suddenly at a loss for words. He didn't want to tell Phil now; he couldn't. He should've had time to articulate his words, time to accept the circumstance he was in. He knew he couldn't hide it forever, but he just wanted more time to deal with it himself.

"I...?" Phil urged him to continue, the look of disappointment immediately draining from his face.

I-I... um. God, this is hard to say..." Dan stuttered, his lips trembling as he struggled to formulate the right words that would effectively convert the seriousness of the situation. He knew he was always going to tell Phil before it became too obvious, but he had never thought it would be this soon.

He had never thought he would be this emotional while telling him either.

"Phil, I... I-I have a brain tumour... and I've had it f-for about a year now."

Silence suffocated the hallway as they both stared at each other, waiting for one another's response. Then Phil felt as if his breath had been stolen from him as he found himself looking Dan in the eye in complete disbelief; there was no way Dan had a tumour. It was impossible!

There were no side affects. No differences in his attitude, or his appearance or anything worth noting. There had been no indication that Dan had had anything wrong with him in the first place. Dan couldn't have a brain tumour. He just couldn't.

But the raw emotion on Dan's face told a different story. His lips were quivering, and his eyes were watering from the depressing reality he'd kept himself in for months. It had finally become too much for him to handle. And seeing Phil's reaction failed to assure him that he'd be alright in the end; he hadn't even told Phil how severe the tumour was and he was already expecting the worst possible outcome.

"H-How bad is it?" Phil muttered, tears slipping from his closed eyes as he struggled to keep it together. He was desperately trying to remain strong for Dan, who must have been so brave to live with this burden himself for nearly a year.

Dan was then taking deep breaths to calm himself as he attempted to tell Phil everything he knew about his tumour. He knew he wasn't a doctor, but he'd done his research and had a fairly good idea of what was happening to him.

"I-I have a malignant brain tumour... Basically, a cancerous one. I-It's positioned in the frontal lobe of my brain, a-and luckily it's one of the more common types of brain tumours, so hopefully it'll be easier to cure..."

Phil honestly didn't know how Dan had coped with this information for so long. Surely, suppressing depressing facts like that would have taken its toll on Dan's attitude, but Dan hadn't as much as mentioned it to him before now. And Phil could only wonder why he hadn't been told any time before now, when he'd basically forced Dan to say what was going on.

"But, but... Why did you never tell me about it beforehand?"

Phil didn't seem angry with Dan, but rather saddened that he hadn't been told earlier about his condition. It was sort of relieving for Dan when he realised this, but at the same time he felt that the other reaction probably would have been easier to deal with compared to the despondency radiating from Phil's words.

"It was only a Grade 1 tumour a year ago," Dan explained, hoping this would make his decision to keep his secret from his best friend for so long reasonable. "I was told that there was a possibility it would diminish in size and remain harmless if I took some kind of tablet every day."

His voice dropped to a whisper as he abruptly struggled to voice his thoughts aloud. "But of course I'm not lucky enough for that to happen."

Phil felt his heart being ripped to shreds as he learned more of Dan's illness. A waterfall of tears suddenly began to cascade down his cheeks as he reached out to hug Dan, and he hoped that the embrace would somehow manage to at least comfort his unfortunate friend.

Dan, not really knowing what else to do in that situation, accepted the hug and rested his head on Phil's shoulder, where he remained crying for an immeasurable amount of time. The two boys found comfort in each other's bodies, and the security they felt when they were in each other's arms was unparalleled to anything they'd ever felt before.

Sometimes, just having someone to hold onto was enough to get by on.

"This morning I found out that the tumour had moved up to Grade 2," Dan murmured into Phil's shoulder as he broke the heavy silence; his friend's shirt now soaked with his tears. "They want me to start getting proper treatment soon."

Phil shifted their position so that they were now facing each other, but were still enveloped in each other's arms. Phil quickly explored Dan's eyes for any hidden emotions; but all there was to be seen in those brown orbs was hopelessness and despair. And while Phil did feel those same emotions tightening around his neck, trying to cut him off from any logical thoughts, he decided to be somewhat optimistic about the situation.

"The treatment is going to be chemotherapy, right?"

Dan nodded his head sadly and closed his eyes in thought; his mind beginning to be consumed by a mild headache. Not that these were uncommon nowadays.

"Well," Phil continued, grasping onto Dan's hands like he was a lifeline. "I think you should get treatment as soon as possible."

Dan's mouth gaped open in shock, not at all expecting him to make a decision as vital as that one so quickly. Phil actually wanted him to get treatment?

"B-But Phil? What about the r-risks? The s-side effects?" Dan stuttered miserably, trying to make sense of it all. "Surely y-you've realised how awful chemotherapy c-can be sometimes?"

As much as Phil didn't want to admit it, getting treatment wasn't a pleasant thing to receive on a weekly basis. And if Dan really wanted to at least stunt the growth of his tumour, he would have to get the treatment; there just were no other options. No matter what the side effects were though, Phil thought it was better than having to suffer from the traumatising pain of brain cancer.

"Well, I-I'd rather you get the treatment, despite the side effects, and possibly even get rid of this tumour, than not get any chemo and..."

Phil found that he couldn't finish the sentence. He shouldn't be thinking like that; Dan wasn't going to die anytime soon. His tumour was only on the second grade. It wasn't going to kill him.

That's what Phil kept telling himself anyway as he attempted to convince Dan to get the treatment.

But Dan seemed to be visibly falling apart as he tried to make sense of Phil's reasoning. "But what about the hair loss? And the vomiting? And how tired I'll constantly be? I-I'm... I'm not s-sure if I can handle a-any of it!"

That sole sentence struck a cord so deep within Phil that he felt it vibrate throughout his being and give him a feeling of purpose, of reason. And he welcomed that emotion with open arms as he tried to understand Dan's situation better.

Dan was scared. Terrified, if he was to be honest. And while Phil was just as scared as Dan was, he wasn't the sick one out of the two of them. It was his role, Phil decided, to support his best friend by any means necessary until he had returned to his perfectly healthy form once again.

And nothing could convince Phil otherwise. Dan would get better. And Phil would make sure of that.

"You're don't realise how strong you've been, Dan," Phil told Dan softly as he hugged him even tighter than before. "You hadn't told me any of this before today, but you'd still been able to keep your emotions in check for our fans, friends and family members the entire time you'd known about it. I'm so proud of you, Dan. So, so proud. But now that I do know about this damn tumour, you no longer have to do all of this by yourself. I can help you!"

Genuine kindness was not something you saw everyday, and Dan considered himself lucky enough to be standing in front of the perfect example of it. He knew he didn't deserve Phil. That's what he thought, anyway. Whatever Phil saw in him, he clearly didn't see himself, but he was just so grateful to have Phil involved in his life in the first place. Because without him, he wouldn't have been able to handle it. Without him, he wouldn't have been able to clear his thoughts to make a final, rational decision.

Without him, he wouldn't have taken the risk.

Without Phil, he never would have healed.

And Dan would never be able to thank Phil enough for saving his life.


End file.
